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ERENCH^S ACTING EDITION 

No. 2482. 



Keeping up 
Appearances 

A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



BY 

W. W. JACOBS 



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SAMUEL FFEKCH. LTD. SAMUEL FRENCH 

fub)tt,)nr$ I 

96 Srf' DTI A N5; TON STREET ! Pi^HHthtf 

STPAN)>, W.C.J =»8 WEST :iJ>tii SI KEPT 



SCENERY. 



With a view to obviate, ai f ar as possible, the great 
difficulty amateurs experience in obtaining scenery, we 
have endeavoured to cope with the situation by providing 

Strong Lithographed Paper 

which can be easily mounted on canvas, and then framed 
on woodwork. As all amateurs will have discovered, the 
expense of hiring or buying painted canvas scenery is 
very considerable, but by printing large quantities we can 
sell outright at a rate comparing favourably with that 
usually charged for the HIRE of painted Canvas scenery. 

The primary object we have had in view has been to 
provide scenery which, by easy adjustment and additional 
sheets of lithographed paper, can be made to fit any 
reasonable size of stage. 



FRAMEWORK FOR THE 
INTERIOR SCENES. 

The framework of wood can bo very easily oonstructed 
by any local carpenter. If any difficulty is experienced, 
we aheJl be glad to have the framework me^le and sent 
with the scene. In this caae it would be very necesear}' for 
us to have at least a fortnight's notice. Any questions 
on the subject of our scenery will be gladly and promptly 
answered, and if the particulars of your stage — the 
height, the width, and depth, together with the position 
in which you require the doors, fireplace, or windows — 
are iorwarded, we will submit you an estimate of the 
cost, either with or without framework. 



We do not send Scenery on Hire. 

FULLY ILLUSTRATED CATALOGUE 
sent gratis on application. 

Turn to next page of coVer. 



KEEPING UP APPEARANCES 



ONE ACT PLAYS BY GERTRUDE JENNINGS 

Published at one shilling net each by Samuel French, 
Limited. 

ACID DROPS. One male, six female characters. 

ALLOTMENTS. Two female characters, both of which can 
he impersonated by men if desired. 

AT THE RIBBON COUNTER. Three female characters. 
THE BATHROOM DOOR. Three male, three fetnale char- 
acters. 

BETWEEN THE SOUP AND THE SA VOURY. Three 
female characters. 

ELEGANT EDWARD. Four male, one female characters. 

FIVE BIRDS IN A CAGE. Three male, two female char- 
acters. 

IN THE CELLAR. Three male, three female characters. 

POACHED EGGS AND PEARLS. Three male, six female 
characters. 

NO SERVANTS. One male, five female characters. 

THE REST CURE. One male, four female characters. 

WAITING FOR THE 'BUS. Two male, ten female characters. 

FOUR ONE ACT PLAYS BY GERTRUDE JENNINGS. 
In one volume, containing " The Rest Cure," " Between 
the Soup and the Savoury," " The Pros and Cons,^' and 
"Acid Drops." Two shillings net. 



KEEPING UP 
APPEARANCES 

A Farce in One Act 






^iJfc^ 



W^W4^:jAC0BS 



Copyright 1919 by Samuel French, Ltd. 



All rights reserved. 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH Ltd. 

Publishers 

:26 SOUTHAMPTON ST. 

STRAND, W.C.2 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

Publisher 
28 WEST 38th STREET 



# 



4> 



The fee for each and every representation of this play is One 
Guinea, payable in advance to : — 

Messrs, Samuel French, Ltd,, 

23 Southampton Street, 

Strand, London, W.C.2. 

or their authorized representatives. 

No public performance may be given unless a written permission 
has first been obtained. 

All costumes and wigs used in the performance of plays con- 
tained in French's Acting Edition may be obtained from Messrs. 
Charles H. Fox, Limited, 27 Wellington Street, Strand, London, 
W.C. 2. 



OuD 58 401 



Z:> 



KEEPING UP APPEARANCES 



Produced on April 17, 1915, at the Savoy Theatre, London, 
with the following cast of characters : — 

Bui BuRTENSHAW (aged fifty) . . Mr. Tom Reynolds. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw (about forty-five) . Miss Clare Greet. 
Silas Winch (aged fifty) . . Mr. James Lindsay. 



KEEPING UP APPEARANCES 

Scene. A miserably furnished room with stained and 
dilapidated wall-paper, etc. On the left a bed, with only 
a mattress on it, stands with its head against the wall, 
and a big patched counterpane hanging over the foot. 
L.c. a shabby stained washstand, containing basin and 
jug with broken spout ; a piece of unframed glass hangs 
on wall by side of it. A cheap deal table stands in centre 
of room with large teacup and saucer, etc. A crust of 
bread on plate, and a lighted lamp with smoky chimney. 
A large cupboard stands against wall r.c. At back a 
door leads to kitchen and there is a door r. opening into 
the street down stage. 

When the curtain rises, Mrs. Burtenshaw, a 
miserable-looking woman of forty-five, very shabbily 
dressed, is discovered seated at table. She squeezes a 
little more tea out of the teapot, empties cup and puts 
it down with a sigh. She rises, shakes mattress, throws 
counterpane over bed, puts jv^ straight in basin and 
dusts chair with her apron. She seats herself again 
and rises at sound of a knock on front door. She opens 
it and reveals Silas Winch. Silas is a woebegone 
looking man of about fifty ; long white face, dank hair 
on forehead, little hair on chin. 

Silas. Is Mr. Bill Burtenshaw in ? 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. No. 

Silas. Oh, will he be back soon ? I want to see him 
on a little matter o' business. {He enters in a shuffling 
fashion and Mrs. Burtenshaw closes door.) 

7 



8 KEEPING UP APPEARANCES. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. Is it very particular business ? 

Silas. Very particular for me, yes. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. It's rather late. 

Silas. It ain't quite eleven yet, and I ain't seen 'im 
for so long that the moment I found out where 'e was 
living I came along. How is 'e ? 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {briefly). Same as usual. {Re- 
gards him closely.) If you wait a moment I'll get another 
chair from the kitchen. 

{During her absence Silas walks round and in a discon- 
certed fashion examines bed, washstand, etc., peers into 
cup and milk jug. Re-enter Mrs. Burtenshaw. She 
has a chair in one hand and a leg and cross bar to it in 
the other. Silas regards her open-eyed.) 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. If you can just stick this leg 
in we shall be comfortable. 

{The two of them adjust the chair ; Silas places it on the 
floor and hastily takes the other. He cranes his neck and 
looks round the room three times in succession slowly. 
He coughs gently.) 

Silas. I thought Bill was doing well. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. So 'e is. 

Silas {coughs). I suppose 'e likes room to stretch 
'imself about in. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {unjnng her eyes). He is making 
two pound a week ; two pound a week, and this is my 
share of it. 

Silas. Two pound a week ! What does 'e do with it 
all? 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {goes through pantomime of drinking 
from empty cup, and eyes hiyn significantly). But not 
out of a tea cup, and not tea. A better 'usband when 
'e is sober you couldn't wish to see. He'd give me 
anything — if 'e 'ad it. 

Silas. Can't you stop 'im ? 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. No, 'e can't stop 'imself. He 
tries 'ard too, poor dear ; why, once he told me to empty 



KEEPING UP APPEARANCES. 9 

a bucket of cold water over 'im the next time 'e came 
'ome bad. 

Silas. Did it do 'im any good ? 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. No. Me neither. I spent the 
night in the back yard. Raining it was. 

Silas. 'Axd ? 

Mrs. Burtenshaw (snappishly). 'Ard enough. 

Silas. It's a bit orkard. As a matter of fact I'm a 
bit down on my luck, and I called round 'oping that Bill 
could lend me a bit till I could pull round. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {shaking her head). Lend ! Why, 
'e's pawned everything in the place. He's pawned the 
bedclothes, and we have to sleep in our clothes of a night. 
He'd 'ave pawned the counterpane if the pawnbroker 
would 'ave let 'im. This is all the furniture we've got 
except a cask of beer in the kitchen. 

Silas {half rising and speaking very earnestly). Beer ! 
D'yer think it ought to be left for 'im ? D'yer think 
it's right to leave temptation in the cask ? Suppose 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. He's got the key in his pocket. 

Silas. In his pocket ? One time 'e was as open- 
'anded a man as you'd wish for to see. We was unsepar- 
able shipmates for years. We thought nothing would 
part us, and I remember we each gave each other a bit 
of paper signed in our own blood saying as 'ow the one 
as died fust would appear to the other. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. I know, I've seen it. Bill often 
said 'e wished 'e hadn't done it. He said it gave 'im 
cold creeps down 'is back when he thought of you dying 
fust. 

Silas. A-ah. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. And when 'e thought of Hmself 
dying fust, it gave 'im cold creeps all over. 

Silas {shakes his head, sighs, and looks round the room 
again). Well, I suppose I can stay and see him. Me and 
'im used to be great pals at one time, and many's the 
good tiirn I've done 'im. What time will 'e be 
'ome ? 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. If 'e waits till the pubs close. 



10 KEEPING UP APPEARANCES. 

after twelve. If the landlord won't wait, 'e'll be a bit 
earlier. 

Silas. I'll wait. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {eyes Mm and then speaks suddenly). 
No, you'd better go. I've just thought of it. You see, 
'im being in that condition 'e might think you was your 
own ghost come according to promise and be frightened 
out of 'is life. He's wonderful superstitious. 

Silas. That don't matter. P'raps a shock might do 
'im good. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. Nothing will do 'im any good 
now. (Silas sits looking at floor, pushes his cap up and 
scratches his head.) 

Silas. I don't know that. If he mistook me for a 
ghost, it might 'ave a good efEect on 'im. Look 'ere, if 
you come to that, why shouldn't I pretend to be my own 
ghost, drownded at sea, and warn 'im off the drink ? 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {loudly). Wot ! 

Silas {smirking). Pretend to be my own ghost. I'm 
a wonderful actor when I give my mind to it. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. But 

Silas. It's as easy as easy I tell you. You 'ide me 
'ere, and after 'e's gone to bed I'll come out and give 'im 
the shock of 'is life. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. I couldn't think of it. Pore 
Bill ! 

Silas. You give me a little flour to put on my face. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. I couldn't think of it. The 
idea ! {She crosses to door and pauses.) Anything else 
besides the flour ? What about a little butter to make 
it stick on ? 

Silas {as Mrs. Burtenshaw exit). Anything you 
like — phosphorus would be the thing, but I ain't got 
any. {Enter Mrs. Burtenshaw toith flour in basin, 
which she places on table. She takes a lump of butter 
from plate on table and approaches Silas.) 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. Stand still. {Business. Taking 
up basin of flour.) Stand still ! {Throws little bits of flour 
in his face. He steps to glass and surveys himself. She 



KEEPING UP APPEARANCES. 11 

eyes him reflectively.) You ought to be dripping wet all 
over. Could you get under the tajj, or shall I throw a 
bucket of water over you ? 

Silas (vaguely). "We'll see ; perhaps I'd better 
pretend to be wet. Where shall I 'ide ? 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {pointing to cupboard). In there, 
when 'e comes. I'm sure it's very kind of you to take 
all this trouble for nothing. 

Silas. Don't mention it. It ain't the fust time, and 
I don't suppose it'll be the last, that I've put myself out 
to 'elp my fellow- creatures. We all ought to 'elp each 
other. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw" {trembling). Mind, if 'e finds it 
out, I don't know nothing about it. P'raps to make it 
more life-like I'd better pretend not to see you. 

Silas. P'raps it would be better. All I ask is that 
you'll 'ide the poker and an}i.hing else that may be 
laying about handy ; Bill acts afore he thinks sometimes. 

{Noise and voices heard outside.) 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. There he is. Quick ! (^^e 
snatches Silas's cap from his head while he stands gazing 
after her. She dips it in jug of water and, returning, 
places it firmly on his head. Silas stands a picture of 
indignant misery. As he protests she pushes him into 
cupboard. Exit.) All right ; I'm coming, Bill ! {M^ir- 
mur of voices grows louder as Mrs. Burtenshaw opens 
door a little and glances at cupboard. Voice of Bill 
outside.) 

Bill. 'Oo are you shoving ? You nearly 'ad me 
down. 

Voice. You are shoving yourself, Bill. 

Bill. I'll fight the whole twenty of you. I'll fight 
the — ■ — Who are you shoving of ? {Bumping sounds 
heard.) 

Voice {angrily). Take 'im and shove 'is head under 
the tap and keep it there. Good night, Mrs. Burten- 
shaw. 



12 KEEPING UP APPEARANCES. 

(Bill enters suddenly and clings desperately to his wife. 
He draws himself up and eyes her scornfully, reels 
against loall and staggers, hits it one or two heavy blows. 
Mrs. Burtenshaw assists him to a chair and takes his 
hoots off. He falls asleep, she raises him and conducts 
him to the bed, puts him in, up stage. She moves about 
room ; hides poker, boots, etc., under the bed. She 
glances at cupboard, sits down and removes boots. A 
loud sneeze is heard from cupboard ; she starts ; another 
sneeze. She glances at bed and sneezes herself violently. 
Bill snores ; she smiles and gets gingerly into bed. She 
raises her head once or twice, looks at Bill, and then at 
cupboard. Head of Silas protrudes from cupboard. 
She beckons. Silas advances and leans over foot of 
bed. He utters a heartrending groan. Another groan 
increasing in intensity ; then three more groans. Silas 
with his fingers to his throat looks interrogatively at 
Mrs. Burtenshaw and then at Bill.) 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {in loud whisper). Try a squeaky 
one. (Silas tries five squeaky ones, and has a bad fit of 
coughing. Mrs. Burtenshaw feigns sleep. She sits 
up again.) Now some more deep ones. 

(Silas, licking lips, tries some bass groans, pauses again 
and in an injured fashion looks at Mrs. Burtenshaw.) 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. Now mix 'em a bit. 
Silas {snappishly in a hoarse ivhisper). Look 'ere, do 
you think I'm a fog 'orn, or wot ? 

{He stands with his eyes turned U2')wards, thinking, nods at 
Mrs. Burtenshaw, and makes noises in imitation of 
steam siren. Bill moves restlessly in his sleep, turns 
and regards Mrs. Burtenshaw.) 

Bill. D'ye hear, stop it ! stop it at once ! 

(Mrs. Burtenshaw /er^ws sleep. Bill turns over again 
and Silas emits a plaintive little moan. Bill sits up 
with extraordinary haste, catches sight of Silas, gives 
a shout of terror, and rolls over wrapped in entire 



KEEPING UP APPEARANCES. 13 

counterpane. Mrs. Burtenshaw clutches at it with a 
little cry and tries to get some of it hack ; Bill holds on to 
it desperately.) 

Silas {in an awful voice). Bill ! Bill Burtenshaw ! 
(One of Bill's feet is seen in the air : his hack is hent and 
he has the appearance of trying to bore through the bed.) 
Bill, why don't you answer me ? I've come all the way 
from the bottom of the Pacific Ocean to see you, and this 
is all I get for it ! 'Aven't you got anything to say to 
me ? 

Bill {in a smothered voice). Good-bye. 

Silas {groans again, Bill trembles and bed. shakes). 
The moment I died I thought of my promise toward you. 
Bill's expecting of me, I says, and instead of staying in 
comfort at the bottom of the sea I kicked off the body 
of the cabin boy wot was clinging round my leg ; and 
'ere I am ! 

Bill. It was very — t-t-thoughtful of you — Silas — 
but you always was — thoughtful. Good-bye ! 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {sitting up and looking around). 
Lor' bless me, Bill, whatever are you talking to yourself 
like this for ? Are you dreaming or wot ? 

Bill {gripping her fiercely by the aryn). Dreaming — 
dreaming ! I wish I was. Look at it ! 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. Look at what ? 

Bill. At the bottom of the bed. Can't you see it ? 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. See what ? 

Bill {in a hoarse whisper). The ghost — the ghost of 
my dear, kind old pal, Silas Winch ; the best and 
noblest pal a man ever 'ad. The kindest- 'arted 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. Rubbish ! you've been dream- 
ing, and as for the kindest- 'arted pal, why, I've often 
'card you say^ 

Bill. Hsh ! I didn't, I'll swear I didn't. I never 
thought of such a thing ! 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. You turn over and go to sleep ; 
'iding your 'ead under the clothes like a child that's 
afraid of the dark. There's nothing there I tell you. 



14 KEEPING UP APPEARANCES. 

I wonder what you'll see next ! Last time it was a pink 
rat. 

Bill. This is fifty million times worse than pink rats. 
I only wish it was a pink rat. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. I tell you there's nothing there. 
Look ! (Bill futs his head up and looks, then icith a 
dreadful scream dives convulsively under the clothes again.) 
Oh well, have it your own way then. If it pleases you 
to think there is a ghost there, and to go on talking to 
it, do so and welcome. 

{She tiirns over and pretends to sleep again.) 

Silas [in a hollow voice). Bill ! 

Bill {with a groan). Yes 

Silas. She can't see me and can't 'ear me. She 
ain't meant to, but I'm 'ere all right. Look ! 

Bill {head still under clothes). I 'ave looked. 

Silas. We wos always pals, Bill, you and me. Many 
a v'y'ge 'ave we 'ad together, mate ; and now I'm laying 
at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, and you are snug and 
'appy in your own warm bed. I 'ad to come to see you 
according to promise ; and over and above that, since I 
was drownded my eyes 'ave been opened. Bill, you're 
drinking of yourself to death. 

Bihij {shaking). I — I — didn't know it. I'll knock it off 
a bit — and — thank you — for — w- warning me ; g-g-good- 
bye. 

Silas {in an awful voice). You're to knock it off 
altogether. Altogether, d'ye hear ? You're not to 
touch another drop of beer, wine, or spirits, as long as 
you live. D'ye hear me ? 

Bill {holding clothes up hut not looking over them). 
Not — not as medicine ? 

Silas. Not as anything, not even over Christmas 
pudding. Raise your right arm above your 'ead and 
swear by the ghost of pore Silas Winch as is laying at 
the bottom of the ocean, that you won't touch another 
drop. 

Bill {raising a very trembling arm). I swear that 



KEEPING UP APPEARANCES. 15 

I'll never touch another drop of wine or spirits, or 

Does it matter about beer, Silas ? 

Silas. Yes. 

Bill {groaning). Or beer, as long as I live. {Takes 
in arm and groans movingly.) 

Silas. If ever you break your oath by only so much 
as a teaspoonful you'll see me again, and the second 
time you see me you'll die as if struck by lightning. 
No man can see me twice and live. 

Bill {in a quavering voice). Eh ! You'll be careful, 
won't you, Silas ? You'll remember you've seen me 
once, I mean. 

Silas. I'll remember, and mind you do. I'm going 
now, but afore I go there's one thing I want to say : 
I've a widder, a pore broken- 'arted widder, and if she 
don't get 'elp from some one she'll starve. 

Bill. Pore thing, pore thing. 

Silas {very solemnly). If you 'ad died afore me, I 
should 'ave looked arter your good wife — wot I've now 
put in a sound sleep — as long as I lived. (Bill has a 
mild attack of coughing.) I should 'ave given 'er fifteen — 
shillings — a — week. 

(Mrs. Burtenshaw raises left fist and shakes it fiercely 
at Silas.) 

Bill {nearly raising his head, and voice squeaky ivith 
surprise). 'Ow much ? 

Silas {in an awful voice). Fifteen shillings. You'll 
save that and more over the drink ; besides, it ought to 
be a pleasure to you. 

Bill. I — I'll go round and see 'er. She might be 
one of these 'er independent 

Silas. I forbid you to go near the place. Send it 
by post every week. Number 10 Shand Street will find 
her. Put your arm up and swear it as you did afore. 

Bill {raising arm). I swear to send fifteen bob every 
week to Mrs. Winch at 10 Shand Street, and I'll never 
go near the place. 



16 KEEPING UP APPEARANCES. 

Silas. You've got a barrel of beer in the kitchen ; 
the moment I've gone, go down and empty it. 

Bill. Waste it, Silas ? Waste all that good beer ? 
Why, I'd sooner my missis 'ad it ! I would indeed. 

Silas. Empty it at once. Them's my orders. 
Farewell ! Farewell ! I'm going back to my bed at the 
bottom of the sea. So long as you keep both your 
oaths I'll stay there. If you break one of them or go 
to see my poor wife, I'll appear again and you'll die 
sudden. Farewell ! {Exit on tiptoe.) 

Bill. Good-bye. {Pause.) 'Ave you gorn, Silas ? 
{Pmise.) 'Ave you gorn, Silas ? Is it safe for me to get 
up and empty the beer. {Holds quilt tightly and peers 
over edge of it. Gradually sits up in bed and looks around. 
Steps gingerly out of bed and exit at kitchen. Mrs. 
BuRTENSHAW sits on edge of bed and gesticulates violently. 
Head of Silas pushes in at door.) 

Silas. H'sh ! I can't open the front door. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. Ah ! I've got the key. 

Silas. Give it to me. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. Not much, I won't. You 
low thief ! How dare you try and do that pore lamb 
out of fifteen bob a week ! 

Silas. You open the front door ! If 'e finds me 'ere 
mind, and I 'ave to tell 'im your little game, think of the 
bashing you'll get ! 

Mrs. Burtenshaw\ Think of the bashing youll get ! 

Silas. Make haste, he'll be back in a minute. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. No 'e won't, that beer runs very 
slow ; besides, 'e won't 'ave the 'art to run it off quick, 
'e's smelling it. 

Silas. Are you going to open the door or are you not ? 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {walks up and down the room 
thinking. She looks at Silas, goes cautiously to kitchen 
door and looks, comes back thiyiking ; suddenly laughs 
and waves key). Yes, come along. It's all right, I 
know what to do now. 

Silas. Do ! 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {laughing). Yes, how to do you 



KEEPING UP APPEARANCES. IT 

out of fifteen bob a week, you buttery-faced pirate ! 
{Laughs and waves key.) Come along, come along, 
ghostie ! I don't mind seeing you twice ! 

Silas. Yes, but look 'ere. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. Come along ! 

Silas {solemnly). If you tell 'im, 'e'll 'arf kill you, 
mind, besides drinking worse than ever. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. I'm not going to tell 'im ; 
make 'aste, 'e's coming back. 

(Silas 'prances out on tiptoe followed by Mrs. Burten- 
shaw. She gets hack into bed ; sad, heavy, steps of 
Bill are heard approaching. He sobs twice.) 

Bill. Three gallons of it if there was a pint, down 
the sink. Wish I was a sink ! {Shakes head miserably and 
ivith a heavy sigh climbs back into bed with his back 
towards Mrs. Burtenshaw. She faces audience, turns 
head two or three times to gaze at Bill. Suddenly she 
utters a wild shriek. Quilt is seen to rise and hide the 
burrowing form of Bill.) 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! {Pause.) 
What ! Silas Winch ! Drownded ! {Pause, she shakes 
Bill by the shoidder.) Bill, 'ere's somebody wants to see 
you ! (Bill shudders tinder clothes.) Wot do you say ? 
You don't want to see Bill because if 'e sees you he'll die. 
{Throws arms protectingly around form of Bill, long 
pause.) Oh! {Pause.) Eh! {Pause.) What! What! 
{Pause.) I'm to bring you fifteen shillings every week 
to 10 Shand Street ! Bill, is that right ? 'Ave I got 
your consent ? Put up your 'and if you mean yes. 
{Hand of Bill appears above bedclothes and waves 
feebly.) All right, Mr. Winch, I'll bring it myself then : 
by 'and every week. No, Bill shan't come, I'll promise 
that for 'im. I'm sorry you was drownded. Do go 
away, 'e might put 'is 'ead up at any moment. {Begins 
to gasp and sob, puts a couple of pilloivs on Bill's head 
and leans on them. Loudly.) Thank you, Mr. Winch, I 
'ope you'll find your way back to the Pacific Ocean all 



18 KEEPING UP APPEARANCES. 

right. Good-bye— Good-bye. (Sits on edge of bed* 
looks at form of Bill, and has a mild attack of hysterics. 
Bill's head with eyes shut protrudes from near foot of bed.) 

Bill {in a husky whisper). 'As it gorn ? 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {with a sob). Oh, Bill, I've seen a 
ghost ! It's the one you said you saw, Silas Winch. 

Bill. 'As it gorn ? 

Mrs. Burtenshaw. Yes, it's gone. Oh, Bill, it 
stood at the foot of the bed looking at me with its face 
and 'ands all shiny white and damp curls all over it's 
forehead. (Bill comes up very sloivly and carefully with 
his eyes shut, facing the audience.) You can open your 
eyes now, Bill. (Bill opens his eyes and looks slowly 
around.) You will give me the fifteen shillings a week, 
won't you. Bill ? I shouldn't like to lose you. Bill ! 

Bill. I shouldn't like to lose myself. Mind, if you 
should lose it or be robbed of it, take care and let me 
know at once. D'ye hear ? At once, mind. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {meekly). Yes, Bill. 

Bill. And the next time a man tells you he has seen 
a ghost perhaps you'll believe 'im. 

Mrs. Burtenshaw {stuffing end of quilt in her mouth). 
Yes, Bill. 



Curtain. 



Printed in Great Britain by Butler & Tanner, Frame and London 



The Latest Additions 


to 




French's Acting Editi 


on 


2470 AFFINITIES. In one act by Vernon Wood- 
house ...... 


is. 


2471 WAITING FOR THE 'BUS. in one act by 

Gertrude E. Jennings ..... 


is. 


2472 ELEGANT EDWARD. In one act by Gertrude 
E. Jennings and E. Boulton ... 


Is. 


2473 HOW THEY KEPT HER. In one act by Vernon 
Woodhouse ....... 


Is 


2474 THE MAJOR EXPLAINS. A duologue by 
W. R. Walkes 


is. 


2475 HOLED OUT IN ONE. In one or two acts bv 
Claude Radcliffe 


Is, 


2476 AT THE RIBBON COUNTER, in one act by 

Gertrude E. Jennings ..... 


Is. 


2477 OUR MR. HEPPLEWHITE. In three acts by 
Gladys Unger ....... 


2s. 


2478 THE MAN FROM TORONTO. In three acts 
by Douglas Murray ..... 


2s. 


2479 THE GREEN FLAG. In three acts by Keble 
Howard ........ 


2s. 


2480 NO SERVANTS. In one act by Gertrude E. 
Jennings 


is. 


2481 POSTAL ORDERS. In one act by Roland 
Pertwee ........ 


Is. 


2482 KEEPING UP APPEARANCES. In one act 

by W. W. Jacobs 


Is. 


2483 JEALOUSY. A duologue by Dawson Milward 


Is 


2484 THE IRRESISTIBLE MARMADUKE. In 

three acts by Ernest Denny .... 


2s. 


2485 THE PURSE STRINGS. In tour acts by 
Bernard Parrv ...... 


2s. 


2486 HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. A duologue 
by Dawson Milward ..... 


Is. 


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